Strawberry Rhubarb Pie
It's spring and for us on the West Coast that means Rhubarb has come into season. And that means its time for Rhubarb Pie. Unfortunately, because I'm surrounded by Californian pussies who think Rhubarb is too tart, I had to make Strawberry Rhubarb otherwise nobody would eat it.
Oh right, so what is Rhubarb? Two words... Bizarro Celery.
Rhubarb grows in the Midwest but originally comes all the way from Asia. How awesome is that. Pretty awesome if you're rhubarb.
Now down to business, making the pie. Here is the list of stuff that your poor broke ass is going to need to steal in order to follow along. I recommend getting a job in a café and stealing from them. If your café has a nice kitchen you can also have access to lots of cool shit that makes everything easier. That's what I'm doing here.
- 2 cups flour
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 2/3 cup shortening
- 2 tablespoons chilled butter
- 4 tablespoons water
Strawberry Rhubarb Filling
- 2 cups diced rhubarb
- 2 cups diced strawberries
- 1 cup sugar
- 1 tablespoon butter
- 1 teaspoon grated orange rind
- 2 1/3 tablespoon tapioca (get this or else the filling will be all runny)
Look at how nice I have everything set up. Do this you louses, it prevents "oh shit I forgot to get" moments.
Now chop up that rhubarb, cut those poisonous green leaves off and then cut stalks in half lengthwise and then dice. Cut like you are on a mission from god that involved cutting rhubarb to save humanity. Imagine you are also paired up with Angelina Jolie and that you get to sleep with her if you do this awesomely enough. You can do it, god is counting on you, you incompetent twit.
Do the same with the strawberries, except god doesn't give a shit how fast you cut them or how well. I don't either. Nor does Angelina Jolie.
Now mix the ingredients for the filling all together like I have done in this picture.
Now add the shit for the pie crust together. Use only half of the shortening at first. THIS PART IS IMPORTANT FOR A GOOD PIE CRUST Lightly mix the shit into something with the consistency of cornmeal. The less you get your disgusting hands all over pie crust, the better.
Now add the rest of the shortening and use a fork to work the remaining mixture into something like cornmeal with pea sized chunks of shortening-dough. Again, do not overwork this dough or the crust will suck. Hard. Like your mom.
Now add those 4 tablespoons into the dough, but be light about it. Here is where being a faggot helps. You want to sprinkle the water on like a magic fairy. The goal is to get the mixture, which is going to want to clump like a fat nerd to the animu chicks at an anime convention, equally distributed in moisture.
Now ball it up. You probably are thinking that there isn't enough moisture to hold the dough together. If you are awesome, you shouldn't have to add more water. If you have to, add half a tablespoon.
Now roll that shit onto a nonsticky surface that's been fairy sprinkled with flour.
The flour is important because it keeps the dough from sticking to the table. Also lightly fairy sprinkle your roller. If you are poor and don't have a roller, use a glass or something. Now put that dough (only use a little more than half, your pie needs a top at some point.) into the pie plate.
OPTIONAL FOR AWESOME PEOPLE Take the white of an egg and paint it on the bottom of the crust. It keeps the filling from soaking the dough like a messy slob.
OH HOLY SHIT LOOK AT HOW THAT PIE FILLING TURNED OUT IT'S A MIRACLE FROM GOD. N Now pour it into the crust before I give up on the lot of you.
Now use the other part of dough and make the top. Toss it up there making sure it overlaps. You don't want to be caught looking like an idiot if it falls short.
Now cut and curl up the dough to make a seal.
Normally pie makers like to make it pretty. I'm not into that shit because I'm tough and rugged, and believe me, out in the bush, you don't have the luxury of making the crust pretty. You don't even have toilet paper. How's that for tough?
Now paint the top with the egg white. This is so the top looks glazed and awesome. Don't worry if you skip this, you'll just look dumb in front of other pie makers.
Now cut the pie vents so it doesn't explode. Because I am the pinnacle of wit, here are my vents.
I hope you have been preheating the oven to 400 degrees because it's time to put the pie in the over. Bake it for 20 minutes at 400 and then reduce the heat to 350 for another 20 minutes.
Look at that fucker, That's a damn fine looking pie.