Garlic Butter Mussels

OK so today we're making motherfucking mussels. Just in case you lazy asscaptains don't fucking know, mussels come from the fucking SEA and if you think you can substitute fucking octopus or some other slimy shit for mussels in this stupid fucking recipe just because they come from the sea too then you have another fucking thing coming. Here in New Zealand we have these big fat juicy mussels that we rear on fucking whey protein and animal blood, so you faggots in other countries can just put up with your little thumbnail mussels or some shit.

Eat this shit with an asston of fucking lager and some fresh bread, preferably a french stick, just as long as it isn't a real french stick because those bastards have probably let their fucking snails slime all over it and you don't want that shit.

So first off what you need is this crap to make this.

Ingredients

• 30-40 fucking mussels, live in their pathetic little shells
• a few cloves of garlic
• half a cup of fucking white wine
• quarter cup of water
• sprigs of poofy fucking parsley
• one fucking onion
• some fucking breadcrumbs
• about 75g of butter, faggot
• Olive oil
• Salt and pepper
• A dozen or two beers

Cooking shit

• A big fuck-off pot like the ones they cook shit in in prison kitchens
• A really fucking sharp knife and a chopping board
• Oven tray
• A tea-strainer or some shit
• A fucking oven

OK shithead since you don't know what the fuck you're doing I'm going to fucking straighten out the fucking story for you and teach you a lesson or two, asscunt. First open a beer. Then preheat your asshole oven to 230 degrees centigrade. That's like, 1 million degrees farenheit or some shit. I don't care. Put it on fucking grill, not bake or fry or whatever else your stupid goddamn stove has.

Then we need to fuck these mussels up bigtime. They're still there in the bag you bought them in. Some might have their fucking faggy shells open gasping for water or air or whatever the fuck they want, others might be happy with their shells tightly closed like a fucking nuns legs.

Start off by cleaning that dirty filthy shit off their dirty fucking little shells. See those fucking white things? They're fucking barnacles and taste like shit. That brown stuff is mud and that tastes like shit too. Any of that other fucking crap get rid of it too. Scrub that shit up hard.

Then grab the fucking faggy little "beard" the mussel has at the bottom and pull in one motherfucking motion down and towards the shell hinge to rip that shit clean out of the mussel. This causes the maximum amount of pain and suffering for the shitty little asscunt. Teach that little fucker a lesson. Yeah, that's the one. If you can't get hold of all of the beard then fuck it, resist the urge to hit the little nugget of shit with a hammer and shit coz you can pull it out later.

Once you have given all these little shitnuggets the lesson they've been asking for now you need to finish the fuckers off. Measure out that goddamn wine and fucking water.

Now get that fucking onion and chop that shit up good and coarsely. No pulling some gourmet shit here, champ, just fucking chop that shit. Open another beer. Then chop the fucking parsely.

Bring that shit (yes einstein, the fucking wine, water, onion and goddamn parsely) to a boil in the big fuck-off pot and throw those fucking mussels in. This will slowly kill the little cunts, subjecting them to maximum pain and misery.

But you're not fucking around in this recipe, shithead! Wait 30 seconds or so and look down at them like a smiling, quivering retard of a god beckoning his children to come to his pearly white gates. As the fuckers start opening up then you know they have just died their untimely, shitty little deaths. Open a beer and fucking celebrate or some shit. I don't care, just shut the fuck up cunt.

You're not finished yet shitstain. After cracking open another b eer, start taking the shitty little bastards out with a pair of fucking tongs and throw them out onto a goddamn tray or some shit.

After a few minutes if you still have some of the little cockpilots that haven't opened up properly then there's probably something wrong with them. They might have some sort of fucking marine AIDS or herpes or exposure to nuclear radiation or some shit. Either way you don't want anything to do with that, cunt. Throw any of the unopened little shits out, forcefully open them and give them to your cat or dog, I really don't care.

GODDAMN IT! Now fucking well loosely chop up a couple of cloves of fucking garlic shithead. Throw it into the fucking pot, cover, and let it simmer for five minutes or so. Asshole.

While that's boiling away, motherfucker, take the fucking butter, make sure it's soft, and mix in another couple of cloves or 3 of chopped up/squished up garlic and the fucking olive oil. Oh and salt and pepper.

Next, see the rancid shit at the bottom of the pan? We need some of that you fucking ape, but without the chunks of onion/barnacle/parsely etc. So filter it through a fucking tea strainer or some shit.

Get about, oh, a few tablespoons or so and throw that shit in the butter mix and stir like fuck to get it a nice runny consistency. Oh, and open another fucking beer.

Back to the mussel corpses. Rip the top part of the damn shells off. If there's any that your clumsy oaflike buttertroll fingers couldn't rip the beard out of, now's the time to do it you fucking einstein. Once you've done this then you can make christmas tree decorations or childrens' toys or ashtrays or some fucking retarded hippy art deco shit out of the top parts of the shell. But concentrate damn you fucking christ. Pour a little of the butter shit you just creamed together into the bottom shell and over the dead remains of the dead mussel you motherfucking murderer.

Next throw some fucking breadcrumbs over that shit. Cunt. Don't spill that shit on the fucking counter or I swear I'll ram this goddamn bottle of beer so far down your filthy little throat by christ you'll wish you were one of these goddam mussels.

Put the goddamn mussel corpses on the oven tray and throw into your shitty little backstreet hick town oven goddamn it for about 10 minutes or so or until the fucking breadcrumbs are golden brown. Leave the fucking door open so you can keep an eye on that shit and you don't end up with mussels exploding and throwing their little mussel brains and shit all over your mummy's precious fan bake oven. Then throw back a few more fucking beers while you wait.

Oh, and chop up some of that pussy fucking frenchy shit bread.

When done take out and serve to your asstard guests, make believe friends, dog, family, whatever the fuck. Best served with crusty fucking bread. The idea you primitive mongoloid is to eat the dead mussel corpse and use the bread as a fucking mop for the juicy goodness in the shell. Make sure you serve with more beer.

Give any leftovers to your fucking ungrateful little shits of a cat. Or cats. Asswipe. I wonder if cats drink beer?

This little fucker gets nothing but a mussel shell around the ear. That'll learn it for being my fucking neighbors' cat and trying to steal our cats food.

Right, fuck off, wanker.

Copied from http://stopfuckingposting.com/www.gbsfood.com/1568009/ by Aery