Garlic Butter Mussels

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Editor's Note: I went through this recipe and deleted about 80 instances of fucking and various other words because the entire article was "OMG SWEARING IS HILARIOUS" use of fuck or shit or whatever every second word. If anyone has a massive problem with this I can restore it. Toast

Eat this shit with lager and some fresh bread, preferably a french stick (Baguette I assume he means, damn Kiwis)

So first off what you need is this crap to make this.



  • 30-40 fucking mussels, live in their pathetic little shells
  • a few cloves of garlic
  • half a cup of fucking white wine
  • quarter cup of water
  • sprigs of parsley
  • one onion
  • some breadcrumbs
  • about 75g of butter
  • Olive oil
  • Salt and pepper
  • A dozen or two beers

Cooking shit[edit]


  • A big fuck-off pot like the ones they cook shit in in prison kitchens
  • A really fucking sharp knife and a chopping board
  • Oven tray
  • A tea-strainer or some shit
  • A fucking oven

First open a beer. Then preheat your oven to 230 degrees centigrade. That's like, 1 million degrees farenheit or some shit. I don't care. Put it on fucking grill, not bake or fry or whatever else your stupid goddamn stove has.

Then we need to fuck these mussels up bigtime. They're still there in the bag you bought them in. Some might have their fucking faggy shells open gasping for water or air or whatever the fuck they want, others might be happy with their shells tightly closed like a fucking nuns legs.

Start off by cleaning that dirty filthy shit off their dirty fucking little shells. See those white things? They're barnacles and taste like shit. That brown stuff is mud and that tastes like shit too. Any of that other crap get rid of it too. Scrub that shit up hard.


Then grab the little "beard" the mussel has at the bottom and pull in one motion down and towards the shell hinge to rip it clean out of the mussel. Teach that little fucker a lesson. Yeah, that's the one. If you can't get hold of all of the beard then fuck it, resist the urge to hit the little nugget of shit with a hammer and shit coz you can pull it out later.


Once you have given all these little shitnuggets the lesson they've been asking for now you need to finish the fuckers off. Measure out that goddamn wine and fucking water.


Now get that fucking onion and chop that shit up good and coarsely. No pulling some gourmet shit here, champ, just fucking chop that shit. Open another beer. Then chop the parsley.


Bring the wine, water, onion and parsley to a boil in the big fuck-off pot and throw those fucking mussels in.



You're not finished yet. After cracking open another beer, start taking the little bastards out with a pair of tongs and throw them out onto a tray or some.


After a few minutes if you still have some of the mussels that haven't opened up properly then there's probably something wrong with them. They might have some sort of fucking marine AIDS or herpes or exposure to nuclear radiation or some shit. Either way you don't want anything to do with that. Throw any of the unopened little shits out, forcefully open them and give them to your cat or dog, I really don't care.


Loosely chop up a couple of cloves of garlic. Throw it into the pot, cover, and let it simmer for five minutes or so.

While that's boiling away take the butter, make sure it's soft, and mix in another couple of cloves or 3 of chopped up/squished up garlic and the olive oil. Oh and salt and pepper.


Next, see the rancid shit at the bottom of the pan? We need some of that you fucking ape, but without the chunks of onion/barnacle/parsely etc. So filter it through a strainer or something.


Get about, oh, a few tablespoons or so and throw it in the butter mix and stir like fuck to get it a nice runny consistency. Oh, and open another beer.


Back to the mussel corpses. Rip the top part of the damn shells off. If there's any that your clumsy oaflike buttertroll fingers couldn't rip the beard out of, now's the time to do it. Once you've done this then you can make christmas tree decorations or childrens' toys or ashtrays or some fucking retarded hippy art deco shit out of the top parts of the shell. Pour a little of the butter shit you just creamed together into the bottom shell and over the dead remains of the dead mussel you murderer.


Next throw some fucking breadcrumbs over that shit.


Put the mussel corpses on the oven tray and throw into your oven goddamn it for about 10 minutes or so or until the breadcrumbs are golden brown. Leave the door open so you can keep an eye on that shit and you don't end up with mussels exploding and throwing their little mussel brains and shit all over your mummy's precious fan bake oven. Then throw back a few more fucking beers while you wait.


Oh, and chop up some of your bread.


When done take out and serve to your guests, make believe friends, dog, family, whatever the fuck. Best served with crusty bread. The idea is to eat the dead mussel corpse and use the bread as a mop for the juicy goodness in the shell. Make sure you serve with more beer.


Give any leftovers to your ungrateful little shits of a cat. I wonder if cats drink beer?


This little fucker gets nothing but a mussel shell around the ear. That'll learn it for being my fucking neighbors' cat and trying to steal our cats food.


Right, fuck off, wanker.

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