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Seaward All I asked was, "What about peppers? They're in season", and dudes all like, "Chiles!"

Chiles? Really? Like, all of a sudden you want to embrace your Hispanic heritage? And just the other day I made some arepas with Salvadoran Cream and he tells me, "Oh, corn tortillas...and that's Crème Fraîche"

That's cool bro. No, really, I'm down with this. I can't wait till I'm in some fancy restaurant like the Olive Garden and I'm asked if I want some Freshly Ground Pepper in my crappy salad with no dressing because I'll be like, "WHY YES! I WOULD LOVE SOME GROUND CHILES IN MY ENSALADA!

Pr0k is a dick and I am his neighbor.

Pancakes in a Can[edit]

Pope Mobile This isn't much of a "question" per se, but it doesn't deserve it's own thread either.

Any tried Batter Blaster? It's actually not that bad. Cake batter in a can (like whipped cream). It's all organic, too.


Anyone have a "best" way of cooking it? I usually cook my pancakes in a regular, small pan, but they kept getting burnt.

SubG Sure. Take about 5 oz of AP flour, 1.5 tsp baking powder, 1/4 tsp baking soda, 1/4 tsp salt, a little less than an oz of sugar, and mix together. Add two eggs and about a cup of buttermilk. Stir, but don't overmix. You're just trying to get most of the lumps out.

Then heat a cast iron skillet. Add some (real) butter. You want the cooking surface just below the smoke point for the butter. Add dollops of the batter to the skillet---you probably want to start at about 4 tbsp (1/4 cup) and adjust up or down from there to suit your preferences. Don't crowd them. Flip 'em when the bubbles forming on the top surface aren't closing immediately.

When you have a nice stack of these, someone will come along and want some. Chuck that can of nasty shit at them to make them go away because goddamn you have to be shitting me pancakes in a can.

Being Prok[edit]

BAWRLIN Entirely too many birthdays/babies/Prokjaculations/whatever in the last few pages. Congratulations to everyone for successfully aging/breeding/being Prok as applicable.

Sanctioning Chili Competitions[edit]

Demagogue Serious post:

For the love of all that is holy, stay away from CASI sanctioning. They started off as a splinter group after the bean debacle of '87 (long story, some wanted separate divisions, some refused to allow bean chilis to even enter). So some of the long time administrators of ICS decided to start their own sanctioning body, but it has always been rife with corruption and bias. Even their ranking system is flawed, giving more weight to heat than to other qualities like texture and flavor. This led briefly to Tex Henderson holding the number one spot due to the use of pure cap crystals (google Amarillo Chili Cookoff, 1996). Since then, they have readjusted their criteria every time they think it gets out of balance, leaving competitors in the dark and making a farce of the entire sport.

artificialj You jerk. I just wasted the past hour trying to research those scandals. I've been had.

see chiles, what do?[edit]

CNN Sports Ticker I'm really retarded. Like, really. I just crapped my pants, I'm drooling, it's horrible.

I bought these chilis. Either I'm retarded or the people who labelled them at the supermarket are, because they didn't really label them with anything other than their colours.


I've got chorizo, I've got onions, I've got peppers. Those are the other main ingredients I want to use. What are some things that I can cook with these things because I'm retarded and don't know nothing bout nothing and was just looking for some ideas.

GodsMullet I don't know if you'll have all the ingredients for it, but one of the best crockpot recipes involving chorizo and fresh chilies is Irish Pepper stew. It's a light summery dish. But first, lets discuss your peppers. Going from top to bottom, the first one is a banana pepper - it is called that because of the yellowish tint to it and its elongated, banana-looking shape. It also has a flavor that tastes similar to a banana dusted with white pepper with a mild vinegary background flavor, so you'll want to only use about 1/3 of it.

You're green one is your common jalapeno. Before using it, slice it in half and look at the juice and seeds. If the juices are fairly clear and the seeds are a nice shade of white, your jalapeno was domestically grown in the US and will have a milder taste (use the whole pepper). If the seeds are a bit brownish and the juices are cloudy, the pepper was imported from South America and will be a bit more spicy and pungent (use about 3/4s of it).

The red is a Spanish variety known as Rojo perro-verga or just perro verga. You should be careful when handling it because if you rub it too much, the hot juices can seep from the tip of it. This variety is a bit hot, but if you workout, they are great for you since the inside is full of protein. I would use about 1/2 of it.

That orange one may look like a pepper but it really isn't. The French call it du faux poivron. It is actually from the carrot family and is just an example of nature impersonating another object to protect itself. It has very little taste and no heat, but you probably wouldn't eat it because it look hot (use the whole "pepper"). You can tell the difference from a domestic Orange Pepper because it's dirtier than a normal pepper (grows underground), the stem curves the opposite direction than the curve on the pepper, and you see that hair coming off the tip? Thats the end of the root.

Now that you know a little about peppers, lets make some Irish Pepper Stew. First you want to saute off about 1/2 diced onion until it starts getting a bit of color. Add your 4 oz chorizo, and cook it until it is crisp. Strain the excess grease and add in 3 cloves of garlic and your diced peppers (1/3 banana, 3/4 Jalapeno, 1/2 Perro verga, and a whole du faux poivron). I like to count the peppers off as I add each seperate one to the crockpot - it makes cooking fun:). Cook until peppers are soft and deglaze with a 1/2 cup white wine. Reduce by 1/2. Now here comes the Irish part---------> Add 3 cups of Baileys Irish Cream and bring to a simmer (this will remove the harshness of the alcohol). Add 2 diced potatoes. Season with salt, thyme, a 3 bay leaves. You don't need cracked pepper because the diced pepper will take care of that flavor. If you want a zestier stew add the juice of 3 lemons to it, if you want a lighter stew, add 1/2 cup of tonic water to it. This helps aerate the stew and give it a unique texture. Finally close your crockpot and let simmer for 4 hours or until it thickens up slightly. Check your final seasoning and enjoy. :hfive:

Being The Doctor[edit]

The Doctor don't fuck with me bitch, I will purée your ass.

Real Foodies[edit]

Less Ashamed Of Sel Share your foodie must do's.
GodsMullet Become attached/obsessed to a culinary celebrity and repeat his/her opinions on food verbatim, as if they were your own, going even as far as using their catchphrases to ad naseum. Then allow this to give you culinary tunnel vision, blanketing out all your own senses.

Hop on every culinary fad, not because it suits your tastes/lifestyle, but rather because everyone else is doing it.

Gain all your food knowledge from TV shows, especially the reality shows. Even better, if you actually work in a kitchen, tell everyone how it's like they stole your life story.

Bitch about that stew from Ma's Diner that filled you up and tasted good, yet go on and on about how the nitrogen-cooked hummingbird wing on cracker you had at Chez Trendwhore Bistro was outstanding, even though it tasted like grease-stained drywall.

Give your personal recommendations and opinions about well-known restaurants despite the fact that you never ate there.

Prattle on and on about how food is your life and you live and breathe food, but you never cook and 5 dinners out of the week are fast food. In the same vein, buy the latest cookware, $500 knives, and top-dollar gadgets, yet you don't even know how to caramelize an onion right.

Constantly talk about how delicious and wonderful the finer and exotic foods are, while tearing into others when they bring up simpler/common foods, only to go home and microwave that slice of leftover pizza hut.

Do a 3-second Wikipedia research on a lesser-known ingredient/method of preparation/tool/etc. and act like you've known about them/used them your entire life.

Consider yourself an expert on international cuisine because you caught that episode of No Reservations on Spain and bought the book "party sushi night easy 1-2-3."

Now, if you actually have a real passion for food, some of the "must-dos" are:

Respect your food and where it comes from. A lot of hard work goes into your meals. When you have the opportunity, raise, grow, hunt, and fish for your own food. Not for the sake of "if you eat it, you should be able to kill it" but rather for the sake of learning how to utilize the animal and gaining that respect that comes from the work involved in feeding ourselves.

Going with the above, cook a simple meal out of food that only you've touched. In other words, make a garden and harvest your own vegetables and herbs. For the protein, go hunting, fishing, or even rear your own animals. If you live by a rural enough area, see if you can get a farmer to let you milk a cow, and make some fresh farmers cheese. Etc. You'll see how a quaint, homemade stew could be the best meal of your life when you've done all the work involved in its preparation by your own hands.

Keep an open mind. Try different ingredients, methods, styles, cuisines, etc. and then come up with your own opinions.

Go out to the restaurants that you want to go to, try the stuff on the menu that you want to eat, and give out the recommendations that you can backup.

Also when you go to a restaurant, go for a good time and to enjoy yourself and whoever's in your company, not to be a hack and write a review for some shitty blog. Do you really want to ruin a possible good meal because your fork has 3 tines instead of four? If a place is a shitholes, it'll close on their own.

Stay updated with culinary trends but also take them with a grain of salt. If the "wow" factor outweighs the taste factor, chances are it's not worth giving a shit about. On the other hand, if some of these trends are actually decent and can eventually do some good, get involved in them - one of the trends that I'm doing a bit of research in is sustainable farm-raised ocean fish, primarily the Aquaculture Stewardship Council which will eventually provide certification for farmed-raised fish, bringing up the quality of living conditions and consistency of the fish. Another trend worth getting involved in for kitchen workers is switching your lights to those energy saver bulbs.

Become knowledgeable in what you are talking about. For example learn to properly cook a monkfish tail and what it tastes like, before causing a scene at a restaurant because you believe it was undercooked because it did not look like the monkfish you saw cooked on Iron Chef Battle Monkfish. Or cook a fresh steak and a frozen one and notice the differences before telling people that the steakhouse you went to last night was serving frozen steaks.

Finally, experience what you love. You love going to that Chinese restaurant and getting dim sum with your friends? Do a bit of research and learn how to make them and the work that goes into making each one. Don't just look up one recipe and do it, rather broaden your horizons by looking up the history of (for example) shu mai, how the dough is made, the traditions of serving it and what are the traditional accompaniments, are there any similar foods from other cuisines, etc. You loved that pulled pork sandwich you had at that July 4th buffet? Research the different styles of BBQ and smoking, what makes texas bbq sauce different from north carolina or st louis, how and why you should brine the pork, and then get a pork butt or better yet, half a pig and make your own pulled pork.

Respect Mah Authoritah[edit]

Octofoot What the hell were you doing with a drill and soup?
meatcookie Stirring with authority.

Fire The Matzo Cannon![edit]

Childlike Empress Matzo balls generally consist of matzo meal, eggs, and fat (oil, margarine, or chicken fat). What would happen if I used flour instead of matzo meal?
SubG You'll be able to fire them at the sails of enemy ships to disable them.

On the Hazards of Deep Fryers[edit]

Noni Deep fryers are dangerous. You say to yourself "Oh, I'll just fry up some mushrooms and onion rings for this one special meal." But then you have the same classic conundrum that everyone all through history has had: "Shit, now I have all this oil and need to use it before it goes bad."

For the next several weeks, you end up frying everything that could every possibly be fried. Yeah, used oil can be stored and reused, but there is still a ticking clock. You get crazier and crazier. You started out with just a few common fried foods--potatoes, mushrooms, onions--but then you go though some sort of sexual food experimentation phase. You've become frysexual, and now you're frying shit that you've never seen fried in restaurants. You push your cart down supermarket aisles wondering if foods would be better if they were fried. Part of you dies when you realize that you can take items that have been purposely baked instead of fried, such as Baked Lays chips, and fry them yourself to show your defiance. You keep saying that you're frying these strange things "just to see what they taste like" but you and I know that it's far beyond experimentation at this point. You've become an addict. Eating deep fried macaroni and cheese is not just something you do for fun, but it's fucking damn tasty and you know it deep inside.

Then you taint all of your oil with fish, and now it's just fucked. You've got to use it all, fast, and on some food that won't taste too terrible with a faint fish flavor. Ah, potatoes. You remember your old friends. They were there for your simple, fried food desires before you moved on to these fried exotics. Oh the simple life.

You make some fries. They're good, and aren't ruined by the fishy oil. But oh god there is still too much oil left. So you make more. You make batch after batch after batch of fries. Dear god, you're 10 pounds into this french fry venture and the oil doesn't seem to have diminished at all.

So you run down to the store and buy one of these:


Yes. Yes you must use the oil. Potatoes are cheap. Wash. Cut. Fry. Dry. Wash. Cut. Fry. Dry. You are the french fry king. You are lord and master of this land of bountiful french fries. You've seasoned them a dozen ways: Cajun, sea salt, parmesan, paprika, dill, lemon pepper, garlic, etc. You've made every dipping sauce known to man. Then your friends don't hear from you for weeks and they find you rocking back and forth in the corner of your kitchen, mounds of fries all around you, while you mumble "There's still more oil. Got to use the oil. The oil, guys, oil is expensive. Got to use the oil. More fries. More fries."

Noni I confess. I've fried butter.

Basically, you're making a pre-buttered hush puppy. Well, that's the standard lie that the fried butter community (Texas) has agreed to use in order to excuse the sin. Also, if anyone out there is planning on committing suicide soon, a convenient way to lose the remainder of your dignity is to deep fry a candy bar. I think I would feel less shame if I was caught fucking a goat. So, if you're staring at those hesitation wounds on your arms, go fry a candy bar and then see if you can't finish the job.

If ever I get cancer and am told that I have a year to live, I'm buying an industrial fryer and am going to fry everything and scream "fuck you, body!" while trying to race my cancer to see if I can explode my heart first. Fried foods are my Scorched Earth policy.

Herbed Breads[edit]

magnetic I wonder why no one makes a dill flavored baguette, everyone knows the ladies just love a good dill dough.

Your Mom[edit]

SubG I'm the guy that fucked your mom. Your main mom. In her secondary holes.

Cast Iron[edit]

CuddleChunks A cast iron pan is a huge lump of tough metal. You don't have to baby it like other pans, you can attack it with steel spatulas, use it for hand-to-hand combat, get a good wrist workout moving it around and generally not give two shits about the pan because it's cast IRON. It's not some sissified ultraslick polymer carefully bonded to a laser ground surface that's been vapor-deposited because if you do it any other way you end up with a sad, unattractive pan.

Cast iron is a burly lump of cooking metal! Heat it up with a blowtorch and then cook a steak on it! Throw it in a campfire for a half hour, brush off the cinders and cook another goddamn steak in it! Rust? RUST? FUCK YOU OXIDES! Take a goddamn steel scrubbie to the surface or a fucking disc sander and grind off any fucking oxides you see! Your nonstick pan has passed out in a nervous faint while you're busy throwing that huge lump of metal onto your grill!

Unless you've got a grill hotter than the fires of Mount Doom itself you're not going to hurt it any. Worried about flare ups? THOSE FLARE UPS BETTER WORRY ABOUT YOUR PAN COMING DOWN THERE AND KICKING THREE KINDS OF SHIT OUT OF THEM!

OUCH FUCK SHIT!~!! Yeah, grabbed the burning hot metal of your cast iron without sufficient safety wear because you're some kind of inbred who can't remember that metal is still hot even when it isn't glowing or otherwise emitting in the visible light spectrum! Good job, stupid, maybe next time you'll respect the pan but it's okay, a little pain is fine since you just brush off the seared flesh from your pan's surface with a steel brush and keep right on cooking.

Cast Iron - accept no substitutes.

Food Safety[edit]

Scientastic By cooking the meat, you cause an alteration of its humours. The heat of cooking creates a surfeit of fire, or yellow bile. In ancient, less well-adjusted times, this was known as the choleric humour. Now, I know what you're thinking: choleric sounds an awful lot like cholera, which is a disease. But diseases are caused by imbalances in the humours. Actually, cholera is caused by a lack of choleric.

The four humours come in pairs: yellow bile (choleric) is paired with phlegm (phlegmatic), black bile (melancholic) with blood (sanguine). We all know that diseases make one phlegmy. By increasing the choleric levels of the meat, we stave off disease and the meat becomes iniquitous to the presence of debilitation.

On Steak[edit]

Go with Christ Steak, salt, cast iron, medium rare. Never gonna be a vegetarian until they invent cow trees.

On Vegetarianism[edit]

Attorney at Funk Darfur war orphans have shit much harder than I do, obviously.

Ok E/N, this is kind of a nebulous problem to confront. A non-problem almost. I don't even know if it's thread-worthy other than that it bugs the hell out of me. I started a job about two months ago and overall it's great. Co-workers are nice, pay is reasonable for the work involved, whatever. The closest thing to a problem is my boss and that's only because he does not communicate well. At all. Any criticism or even anything that could be interpreted as criticism of him is taken very personally. This wouldn't be a problem if this one incident didn't keep coming up!

Every Friday, he grills up a bunch of hotdogs and hamburgers and brings them in on Saturday and Sunday for everyone to have for lunch. I'm vegetarian, and after I told him this, he's started making me these enormous salads that, truthfully, I don't ask for and don't want. He's putting in all this work and I can't figure out how to tell him I just want to get out of the store for my lunch break and get some quizno's down the road.

A complicating problem is, the salads are really, really good. Home grown crisp apple slices, fresh butter lettuce he gets from a local co-op, all sorts of herbs from his home garden - this last weekend he made a raspberry-pear vinaigrette that was, to say the least, fucking amazing. I just don't want it sometimes! But if I ask him to ask me before making me one, I know he's going to take it personally. I guess what I want to know is, should I suck it up and try to enjoy the salads that are forced on me? Is it too early in the job to risk it over a free lunch? How can I break this to him without hurting his feelings?

xtravar Being an ungrateful shit sometimes kind of goes along with being a vegetarian, so I understand why this would be a problem for you.


Happy Hat Gws.jpg
Childlike Empress gws.jpg

On Porizj's Chili[edit]

porizj Now hold on just a minute. I don’t want anyone misinterpreting my chili. My chili is not about experimenting with gay sex during your college years. My chili is not about wearing a god damned chef’s hat. My chili is not about sauntering around with your premium ingredients while singing a pretty little song about your first period.

This is back to basics chili. This is “I’m flat fucking broke” chili. This is “I have one hour to feed myself before my shift surfing for CP at the local library starts” chili. This is camping chili. This is hunting chili. This is house full of screaming little shits chili. This is the comfort chili you make your best friend right after he walks in on you speed-bagging his sister. This is quick, easy, tasty, man chili. This isn’t the chili you have Gordon Ramsey weep into because you didn’t use all fresh ingredients. And this is not the chili you waste a perfectly good steak making.

This thread is for the kind of chili you make by throwing 5 dollars of crap into a pot and screaming at it until it bends to your will. Any other type of recipe can go over to that “let’s put tequila in chili and pretend we haven’t failed as human beings” thread and contemplate the best day to commit suicide.

On Porizj's Chili, a Rejoinder[edit]

porizj All I have to go on is about 10 years of people lining up to fellate me after trying my chili.
Scientastic Anything to get the taste out of their mouth, I suppose.



Scientastic posted:
My wife's away tonight, so I might do this with Irn-Bru. Is pancake mix just flour?

God I love this forum.

Flash Gordon Ramsay's Manhood[edit]

Flash Gordon Ramsay So after four failures to make processed cheese I began to question my sodium citrate.

Cooking is Sorcery[edit]

Yawgmoth But that's exactly what people do. I work in a grocery store and people ask me if we sell "homemade" everything, from chex mix to sweet potatoes. And when I tell them "sorry sir, but if you want homemade [thing] you'll have to make it yourself. At home. We do however sell the ingredients for that and I can help you find them, though." they look at me like I just told them they need to draw a bloody pentagram on their oven and conjure it from the depths.

I seriously think that some of these people see cooking as some kind of magic.

Sjurygg They do. And recipes are spells that must be followed to the letter, lest the Powers rain down disaster at Their dark pleasure.

Sweet Potatoes[edit]

Drifter Sweet Potatoes are notoriously untrustworthy. Hell, I wouldn't trust one to babysit a neighbor's kid. And I hate my neighbors.

The problem is they probably didn't fear and/or respect you. While most tubers can often be convinced by the glory of higher purpose, sweet potatoes are godless heathens and only capable of acting out of a baser self interest. You might have poked holes in their surface arguments, but the problem is that their fundamental beliefs hadn't been pierced through in any effective fashion. Give them a stern talking-to beforehand. Torturing them with a fork is a great time to delineate your expectations and future goals.

Trou Normand[edit]

Nicol Bolas I am going to valentine the everloving shit out of my partner this year. If we're both working we both kind of just try to fuck or whatever but this year I am freelancing and making fuck-all when it comes to cash (and have been cooking a ton as a result) so I want to go BALLS OUT for this.

I'm thinking of something like this for a menu:

Appetizer: Something seafoody. I made salmon tartare recently and it was fabulous, so I could do that. Alternatively, oysters? I've never shucked an oyster before and I'm slightly scared to try, but fuck it, I've been meaning to. Beer pairing: Something light. Probably La Fin du Monde or another belgian tripel.

Entree: Agnolotti filled with goat cheese and mushroom (and maybe kale or something, don't want to eat all that butter without at least a little roughage) in a sage browned butter (or maybe a sage cream sauce). Or maybe just do some kind of braised pork belly over top to really push it way over the top, and make a lighter sauce? Beer pairing: Probably a stout of some kind, or a barleywine--we've got Victory Twelve in the fridge and I think that'll stand up to all the butter and all the rich flavors. Or red wine if he's more in the mood for that on Friday.

Dessert: Something chocolate. Chocolate coconut tart or something? Like, a chocolate shortbread crust, a layer of coconut oil caramel (which I have been wanting to try for a while), and ganache? Either that, or chocolate mousse with coconut whipped cream. I want this shit to be PRETTY dammit. Rum Pairing: Zaya or the 20th anniversary Plantation (if we're not too drunk to actually taste how good that shit is)

Thoughts, anyone? I'm a little shaky on the agnolotti filling and the progression of everything.

Vegetable Melange Sounds filling. Sex first?
therattle After the starter, before the main.
Vegetable Melange The ol' Trou Normand.