Blueberry Oat Muffins

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Submitted by BeanBandit

Oh, look, another cooking thread! I'm going to show you how to make blueberry oat muffins. These are tasty, easy to make, and go great with breakfast. If you're not a fan of blueberries, you can easily substitute cranberries. If you don't like cranberries either, then that's just too bad, chump.


  • 1 cup flour
  • 1 cup quick oats
  • 1 cup milk
  • 1 tbsp lemon juice
  • 3/4 cup brown sugar
  • 1/4 cup melted butter or margarine
  • 1 egg
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1 cup frozen blueberries or cranberries
  • muffin cups
  • non-stick cooking spray, or shortening
  • muffin pan

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I'm using whole wheat flour because I took a nutrition class in college, and I know that fiber is good for you. Feel free to substitute regular, white flour. I'm using Bob's Red Mill whole wheat flour because the guy on the package reminds me of my uncle before he started drinking. Plus, very few men can make a bolo tie look this good:



Step 1: Wash your girly little hands.

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Step 2: Mix 1 cup of milk with 1 tbsp of lemon juice, and let it sit for a few minutes. You can probably get away with using the pre-bottled stuff, but you're using fresh-squeezed juice because you're awesome, right? Right. Of course you are. That's why you spend your Saturday evenings making muffins.

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Step 3: Add 1 cup of quick oats to the milk + lemon juice mixture. Stir. You will be rewarded with this:

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Step 4: Beat 1 large egg lightly, and melt 1/4 cup of margarine or butter. Add the butter and egg to the milk + lemon juice + oats mixture.

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Doesn't that look appetizing? No? Fine, stir it until it looks like this:

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Cover your goopy oatmeal mixture and set it aside.

Step 5: Mix 1 cup flour, 3/4 cup brown sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1/2 tsp. baking soda, and 1/2 tsp. salt together in a large mixing bowl.

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"B-B-BUT! What do I do with it NOW, BeanBandit?" Oh, I don't know, Professor. STIR it, maybe? Jesus.

Work out as many of the brown sugar clumps as you can. Try not to mess this up like you messed up your parents' marriage. Use the underside of a spoon to press the clumps against the side of the bowl. Mine still has some small clumps, but that's okay. It's just one of those things I'll try to work through with my case worker next week.

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Step 5.5: This would be a good time to pre-heat your oven to 400 degrees F.

Step 6: Now you get to mix the liquid ingredients with the dry ingredients. Take your oatmeal mixture and dump it into the flour mixture, stirring as you go.

Keep mixing the dry stuff with the wet stuff until you're left with nothing but wet stuff. It'll get thick and hard to mix toward the end, but just muscle through it you pussy.

Try to resist the urge to shove your face in the bowl, because it's time for the blueberries!

Step 7: Gently fold about 1 cup of frozen blueberries into the mixture. Try not to crush all the berries as you fold them in. I used a little more than a cup because I like blueberries.

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Step 8: Line a muffin pan with paper cups. Alternately, you can spray it down with non-stick cooking spray or lightly grease it with shortening. Doesn't matter. Then, fill each cup about 3/4 of the way with the muffin batter.

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Step 9: If you haven't done so already, preheat your oven to 400 degrees and slide the muffins in. Go do something productive for 20 minutes while they bake. If you're anything like me, that means downing a quart of Wild Turkey while watching re-runs of Sliders.

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Step 10: Once the muffins are lightly browned and a toothpick comes out clean, take them out of the oven.

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Step 11: Post a thread about it on the Something Awful forums.

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No, seriously. Everyone on the planet wants to hear about your stupid fucking muffins. Wallow in self-pity as the culinary experts of GBS tear apart your recipe. "ok faggot if a blueberry muffin had an abortion and you baked the abortion for 20 minutes and maybe added some oatmeal thats what it would look like faggot"

Yeah, yeah, I know, they're muffins. Nothing fancy, nothing exciting, nothing difficult to make. But morons like me need good, simple recipes, and this qualifies. Enjoy.

BeanBandit fucked around with this message at Mar 06, 2005 around 14:58