Chocolate Chip Cookies by struan87

I've read a bunch of food threads here, and I thought it's about time to share my favorite cookie recipe. These ain't no crappy toll house crunchslabs--these are soft, delicious, artery-clogging discs of goodness. Make them and weep with joy.

Throughout this recipe, the muderous chef will offer advice to aid your cooking: Wash your greasy hands before you handle food that someone else might eat, you slobbering pig!

First! Your ingredients: 19oz (~4c) flour 1 tsp salt 2 tsp baking soda 1c softened salted butter 1c white Crisco 1.5c white sugar 1.5c brown sugar 4 eggs 2-3 tsp Mexican vanilla 4c chocolate chips

Use Mexican vanilla. When in doubt, look for a little stereotype on the package!

But really, the flavor is much better. Be careful it doesn't contain (much) coumarin; that stuff isn't good for the blood. You can mix-and-match the chips all you want. I usually do 2c semi-sweet and 2c white, but any kind will work. You could also substitute nuts for up to half the chocolate, if you're some kind of deviant.

Now let's start cooking, shall we?

First, measure out the flour.

Use a scale to be sure you have the right amount! Volume is not a reliable measure for flour.

Sift it with the soda and salt.

Sifting made easy: use a whisk!

Now put the crisco, butter, sugars, eggs and vanilla in a large bowl.

I <3 you KitchenAid

Mix on low for about 30 seconds. You just want the ingredients to be integrated, as shown below.

Then mix on high for 3 minutes until it is light and fluffy (as shown)

Now stir in the flour mixture by hand with a wooden spoon.

Why a wooden spoon? I snapped a nylon spoon in half doing this! You will too if you don't listen to me!

Now stir in all your chips, nuts, gummi bears, eyeballs, whatever.

Look at all that chocolate. Damn. Let's see it again.

Oh yeah. Take my chocolate. Take it all

Now's the part they don't tell you about in school. The part that will kill you inside. The waiting. Oh, the waiting! You have to tightly seal the dough and put it in the fridge. Overnight. I'm not kidding. It's pretty awful, but you'll be glad you did when you bite into that first moist, chewy pile of chocolate-infused heaven.

Goodnight everyone. I'll see you in the morning.

Yawn...here we are, bright and early! You see what I do for you? I woke up before 9 on a Saturday!

Preheat the oven to 375deg, then get your dough out and prep some pans.

Lining the pans with parchment paper makes cookie removal quick and easy! If you omit the parchment, do not grease the pans. You remember all that butter and Crisco you put in there? These cookies aren't going to stick.

Now place the dough onto the pans in 1/3- to 1/2-cup balls. Leave 3-4" between each dollop; these cookies gonna get big.

Use a disher for portion control!

Now bake them for 10-12 minutes, until they are browned 1/4" to 1/2" in around the edges. The center will still be underdone, but don't worry, they'll finish cooking on the rack. Repeat with the rest of the dough, keeping the bowl in the fridge when you're not using it.

You'll end up with 2 to 2.5 dozen. That's a lot of cookies.

Pack the leftovers (if there are any) in tupperware. They'd stay moist for a few days, but they won't be around that long, especially if your roommates are filthy scavengers.

Include slices of white bread in the box for moisture control unless you want dry cookies! You don't, do you? Oh god, I bet you do. You sick freak. Don't even makes these cookies, this recipe would be wasted on you.

Well, that took a while, but believe me, it's worth it. Go make these cookies. Take them to work. Put them in a nice basket and present them to the parents of that girl you knocked up. Mail them to a soldier in Iraq (American or Iraqi, everyone likes cookies). Send them to your childhood priest with a card saying you forgive him. After eating these cookies, no woman will be able to resist you, no matter how many distributions of linux you have on your computer.

They're that good.

Get out of my kitchen or I'll cut you!