Chocolate Chip Cookies by Crusty Nutsack

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Recipe by Crusty Nutsack Wikified by Drimble Wedge

Here's my recipe for chocolate chip cookies. It's somewhat famous, if I do say so myself!

If you want to make a fuckton of dough like I did, here's the measurements I used:

  • 4 c. butter (2 lbs.)
  • 4 c. sugar
  • 4 c. brown sugar (light)
  • 8 eggs
  • 4 tsp. vanilla
  • 4 tbl. cinnamon
  • 8 c. flour
  • 10 c. oats
  • 2 tsp. salt
  • 4 tsp each baking soda and powder
  • 48 oz. chocolate chips

Leave butter out to soften, or nuke at 50% power for 45 seconds, or do like I did and smash with a rolling pin or with your hands.

Now it can properly flow through my veins, as I have beaten it for a couple minutes.

Add sugars and cream with a mixer (a stand mixer would be so much easier but alas we're poor). It won't be light and fluffy or anything, but don't worry that's how it's supposed to be.)

Add eggs and vanilla and pretend you're making a river of goo.

Blend thoroughly. Now it will be light and fluffy. You want that!

ON TO THE OATS.

We don't use whole oats in our cookies. We make coarse oat flour instead. This can be done with a blender (like our Vita-mix), food processor, or electric coffee grinder. Don't make it completely smooth and processed; you want some texture.

Now that that's done, dump all your dry ingredients into the butter/sugar/egg stuff (this recipe is super easy, as you can see)

Now's the fun part. Your mixer will not do shit to this. Use a wooden spoon and elbow grease to start with, then switch to your hands. A stand mixer could do this, but we've learned over the years that the less mixing, the better the cookie. If you develop the gluten in the flour too much, it will spread too much in the oven. So mix gently by folding, until you still have patches of flour and butter mixture (aka, NOT ALL THE WAY).

The point of not mixing completely is because you need to add the CHOCOLATE CHIPS! So do that. Then mix just until they are incorporated and mixture is consistent. The chips will hurt your hand a little bit, but hey, that's all right.

Now, there's an art to baking these. 3 pans are needed (preferably half sheet). At any given time, one pan will be in the oven, one pan will be cooling, and one pan will be in the freezer.

YES, the freezer.

This is key to these cookies. Plop 6 billiard-ball sized lumps (the taller, the better, do not flatten out) on a pan.

Put in the freezer for about 10 minutes. Then pop straight into a preheated 350 degree oven. As they're baking, pop the next pan of balls in the freezer. This pan will go in as soon as the others come out. This will keep the cookie train going!

Bake for about 11-13 minutes. They will be barely brown on top, if at all, and slightly brown around the edge. This is perfect. Continue until there is no dough! Or, if you made a gigantic batch like me, you can line up dough balls on a pan, then freeze for a half hour or so until firm. Pop in a couple sealed plastic bags, and you have instant, ready to bake cookie dough balls. Which are also fabulous eaten right out of the freezer.

REMEMBER!

  • Mix just until combined. Do not over mix!
  • The freezer is your friend!

I posted this a while ago here, which is why the recipe is somewhat strange. If you have archives: http://archives.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1866745&highlight=shakerpenguin+birthday

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